


Nothing Like the Brain

by sabinelagrande



Series: The Goddamned Genderswap [13]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Episode: s05e16 Brain Storm, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-12
Updated: 2011-11-12
Packaged: 2017-10-25 23:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/276131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are much better uses of their leave than almost dying, but isn't that always the way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Like the Brain

John really couldn't be happier about his upcoming leave. He has the perfect spot picked out, white sand beaches and surfing, even something approximating palm trees. He hasn't been able to talk Teyla into it yet, but he's working on it; Mer and Ronon aren't nearly as excited about it as they should be, but they'll both change their minds when they see the truly astounding amount of hooch he has prepared for this.

There might even be little umbrellas.

So he isn't exactly ecstatic when Meredith breaks the news. "We kind of have to go to this thing on Earth," she says apologetically. "And by we, I mean me, but I will get _so_ naked for you if you go with me."

He tilts his head. "I didn't know you could get nakeder than you already do."

"By god, I will find a way," she says, determined. "Look, it's going to be this thing with all these people I really hate, but I really have to go, because the entire scientific community thinks I'm a complete lunatic fuck-up. I am to these people what Danielle Jackson is to linguistics, and it can only get worse if I don't turn up." She winces. "Plus, you know, if I showed up with my handsome flyboy husband instead of alone, they might, uh, maybe not think I was such a failure." She waves a hand. "Yes, I know it's fucked up, but that's the way it is. So, in conclusion, I am willing to offer you sex acts that haven't even been invented yet if you'll come with me to this thing."

He steps closer, running his hands up her arms. "Mer, you don't have to bribe me to get me to support you. All you have to do is ask."

Her face says she doesn't believe him. "I'll make it up to you, I swear."

"The beach can wait," he assures her. "Or, hey, we can go there on a recon mission."

She smiles wanly. "Woolsey's not going to fall for that one again."

He shrugs. "Worked the other four times, didn't it?"

\--

John's flown in a private jet before, but he was about fifteen the last time; it's great, of course- nothing compared to actually flying, but certainly enjoyable. "Nice of him to send the jet," he says, avoiding the strawberries; Mer hates them, and he won't hear the end of it if he sits here and munches on them.

"He didn't send the jet to be nice," she says, rolling her eyes. "He sent the jet because he wants to prove that I'm no good without him."

He frowns. "What are you talking about?"

"Look, I fucked him, he got clingy, it's a long story," she says hurriedly.

John narrows his eyes at her. "We're flying to Nevada to see your ex-boyfriend?"

"I didn't say he was my boyfriend, I said I fucked him," she says. "There's a huge difference." She lays a hand on her forehead. "You're going to be in a bad mood now, aren't you?"

"Eh," John says. "At least now we match."

Security is ridiculous; neither of them want to sign the NDA, and John cracks up at the suggestion that this jackass has reanimated dinosaurs, but Meredith's curiosity wins in the end.

There's a reception to get through, of course. John's far from the only person in the room wearing a military uniform, but they're thin enough on the ground that John still feels conspicuous. Even so, he's far more interested in what Mer's wearing, which is a pleasingly low-cut red thing; even better, it's sleeveless, so her tattoo is out there for everybody to see. There are enough nerds around that more than a few people obviously get it, though most of them just look quizzically at John.

And then, John's day gets so much more surreal, which, coming from John is _really_ saying something, because Mer gets into a fight with Bill Nye the Science Guy and Neil fucking DeGrasse Tyson.

Since when is this his life?

John ends up standing to the side and looking daggers at both of them. Mer's a bitch and always has been, and they've probably all stolen so many ideas from each other that they wouldn't ever be able to figure out which one came from where, but when it comes down to it, John will always be on her side, no matter who's right.

It's just that he's never had to consider how to take down a children's TV show host before.

"You never told me we hated people from _television_ ," John hisses, as Mer pulls him away.

"Don't you think that just gives them bigger egos?" Mer points out. There's unhappiness written all over her, and John hates it. John's used to thinking of her as the brightest mind in two galaxies, and he knows without a doubt that she is, but that doesn't matter a bit right now. It's only taken ten minutes with these fucking assholes to make her feel like a failure, and there is no amount of ass that John can kick to make it better.

"Hey," he says, as they enter the lecture hall, catching her by the arm and pulling her aside. "Fuck those guys. If any of them had to do what you have to in the course of a normal week, they'd be dead."

Meredith takes a breath. "Kind of wish they were."

He takes her face into his hands and kisses her, big and showy, because if that's what it takes to impress these people- or at least to illustrate to them that they're going to get their asses handed to them if they fuck with her- then John's got no problem with it.

They take their seats, and the most unbelievably garish lecture begins.

"I can't _believe_ you slept with this asshole," John says during the opener, not even bothering to keep his voice down.

"We were in the same lab, we'd been up for, like, four days, he had more hair back then, it seemed like a good idea at the time," Mer says dismissively. "I didn't _enjoy_ it, if that makes you feel better."

John manages to keep his mouth shut for what seems to be an interminably long amount of time; Mer is drumming her fingers angrily against the armrest, so annoyed that her nostrils flare every time she breathes.

And then Tunney, that fucking idiot, brings up the space-time matter bridge, which has already long since been old news.

Meredith is so dumbfounded that she can't even say anything, can't even protest; she collapses back into her seat, putting her head in her hand. She doesn't even look _surprised_ , and it hurts John so much that he can't stand it.

"That's your fucking bridge," John says urgently. "You and Jeannie-" A guy next to him clears his throat suggestively, and John glares him down.

And then Tunney goes the extra mile, announcing his grand plan to suck the heat right out of the desert, with all of them trapped inside.

"Holy fucking shit, he's going to kill all of us," John says, loud enough that even Tunney hears him.

"There's really no cause for alarm," Tunney says, smiling his big white smile, which really doesn't match his weaselly little face.

"Fuck it," Meredith says under her breath. "Malcolm, you _asshole_ ," she calls, standing up.

"Meredith," he says, not even deigning to call her by her title. "So glad you came."

"I don't know where you stole my paper from," she says, "but it _doesn't work._ It's going to go out of control, and it's going to kill us."

Tunney opens his hands. "Mer," he says condescendingly. "I don't know why you're under the impression that this is your work," he says.

"Sit down!" someone yells from across the room.

Tunney holds up a hand. "Maybe you could present us with some evidence, hm?"

"You know we can't," John snaps, but Meredith puts a hand on his arm.

"John," she says, "we can't- we can't do this right now. He's got us "

He lets her pull him back down into his seat, although it's the last thing he wants to do.

He is absolutely going to punch Tunney in the face at the first opportunity.

"Moving on," Tunney says, smiling, and it's all downhill from there.

There's a little business, light breaking and entering, that only ends up with the two of them sitting across a table from Tunney. "What did you do, Mer?" he says furiously.

"Me?" she says, incredulous. "You're the one who created an incredibly complex phenomenon that you _barely_ understand so that you could show the scientific community how big your dick is." She sits back in her chair. "Good game, Captain Planet."

"What did you do to stop it from turning off?" he demands.

Her eyes widen.

"You know, I don't say this enough," John says, feeling lightheaded, "but we are all going to die."

"Look, let's skip to the end, okay," Meredith says. "I broke into your office, whatever, it's not important right now. And I don't care where you got the paper, but I _know_ you read it, and I don't know _what_ you changed or _why_ you didn't heed the very clear warnings about how it is _fucking crazy_ to build a time-space bridge." She stares at him. "It's my fucking paper, Malcolm. What the _fuck_ have you done?"

"This is ridiculous," Tunney's right hand man says.

Tunney puts his hand over his face. "They might be able to help us."

And just when John thought the day couldn't get _any_ weirder, there are ice beams shooting at people. John kind of wishes he were a doctor, because he can't do anything about it, can't even tell how bad it is- it's comic book stuff to him, and not really the good kind.

Everything starts happening really quickly around him, stuff he doesn't understand, and John is racing to keep up; it takes Mer and Tunney a stupid amount of time to stop arguing and finally admit that that they're in a building full of Earth's best hope for stopping this.

And _none of them_ will shut up.

"Hey," John barks, in his best command voice, and the room falls silent. If there's one thing he's learned from dealing with scientists for so long, it's that they don't understand the value of cooperation; they are, however, very familiar with fear and pride. "You have about fifteen minutes to solve this problem or you all die. Which one of you wants to be the one who drops the ball? Cause it ain't gonna be me."

Meredith takes a deep breath. "Okay. Malcolm, Bill, I think we've got the best place to start from. But we need more- I'm not sure if the-"

John steps away from them, hoping like hell they have it together. Tunney's right hand man- or, the guy who John thought was, the one who's keeping them from calling in the military to help with this fiasco- is standing and watching, and John sidles up to him.

"It's Kramer, right?" John says, in a reassuring voice.

He takes in John's uniform before speaking. "Yeah."

"John," he says, offering a hand, which Kramer reluctantly takes. "John Sheppard. Pleased to meet you." John leans back against the wall behind them. "You know, Kramer, I respect your work. I really do, and I wish this had worked out. Lot of lives at stake here, Kramer, in this building and on this planet. Lot of choices to make. You've got one choice, though," he says, and before Kramer knows what's happening, John's got him pinned to the wall by his neck. "You can let me make a phone call, or you can die right now."

Of course, when they get to the communications room, the freeze lightning has already been there, cutting them off entirely.

It's thirty-six degrees when John makes it back to the lab, a chagrined Kramer in tow. Mer's in the middle of doing something, but she looks up and snaps her fingers at him. "I am freezing my tits off."

John's kind of scandalized that Mer just said the word tits in front of Bill Nye the Science Guy, even though he's turned out to be kind of a jerk; he passes his jacket over anyway.

There's one last chance, one sliver of hope that a cell phone transmission will make it through and get them some help, and John volunteers without even thinking twice about it, taking off with Tunney's cell phone and a radio. He doesn't say goodbye to Mer, because they don't do that; all he can do is think it very loudly.

"He's your brother, right?" Tunney says, as John leaves. "You're still single?"

Meredith thinks about slapping herself in the forehead; she decides to go right to the source, hitting him in the back of the head instead.

There have been better times in his life than running around a freezing basement playing "Can You Hear Me Now", but John's doing it, he's going to get it, he's so close, and suddenly there's all this water, coming from everywhere, freeze lightning sealing him up in a tiny little corridor.

He knows a deathtrap when he sees one.

He manages to save the radio, pressing down the button. "Sheppard to McKay," he says, out of habit.

"John?" she responds. "What did the SGC say?"

"Yeah, about that," he says. "I kinda lost Malcolm's cell phone."

There's a noise that can only be Meredith fumbling the radio. "What do you mean, you _lost_ it?"

"It's under a couple inches of water right now," he tells her. "Pipe burst, freeze lightning sealed me in."

"Oh my god," Meredith says. "Look, we'll-" There's some noise on the other side, Mer talking to someone. "Security's on its way. I just need you to hold on, John."

"I just need you to save us, Mer."

"Just like every day," she says. "You'll be out soon, I promise."

It's very, very cold, and the water is rising; John tries not to think about being rescued, because that only screws him up, makes every moment that it doesn't happen harder. He thinks about whether they can make it to baseball game or something while they're here; Mer won't like it at all, but he can find a way to make it up to her. Maybe they can go see Jeannie; Madison loves to see her Uncle John.

The water is still rising.

John waits until he can't stand it anymore. "Sheppard to McKay," he says, through chattering teeth.

"Thank god, John," she says. "Are you out yet?"

"Negative," he says, swiping at the area under his nose; he knows it must be running, but he can't feel it. "I, uh." He sways a little on his feet, trying to keep it together. "I'm going into shock."

There's more sound, Meredith bawling someone out. "John," she says, low and urgent. "Hang on, John. I just need you- just hang on for me, John."

"Will do," he says, even though everything is starting to get a little fuzzy; he leans back against the wall for support, pressing his face against the cold, cold surface.

John has been through some serious shit- shot down over hostile territory, awakened a race of space vampires, been close to too much radioactivity for it to even register anymore- but this is going to be it.

Now, he's going to freeze to death in _Nevada_.

What the _fuck._

He's barely holding on when it happens, when Mer comes crashing in, axe in hand; she's soaking wet, her dress clinging to her, John's coat still draped around her shoulders, and she looks like some kind of avenging goddess.

"We already did this one," he slurs. "You had a robot."

"John," she says urgently, rushing to his side. "Stay with me, John."

He wants to, he really does, but then everything goes away for a while.

It's still freezing when he comes back, and Mer is leaning over him. "Hey," he says faintly. He coughs. "It's cold, Mer."

"I know, I know," she says quickly. "It's going to be okay, I swear it is, I just wish you'd quit trying to die on me, because _really_ , Sheppard-"

He strains up, kissing her quiet. "I can't stop thinking about you," he says, his hand on the side of her face.

Mer looks like she's about to cry, like she's amazed, like she's so grateful; John just kisses her again, because there's nothing to say.

\--

Mer sneezes, cuddling underneath her blanket. "When we don't need it, there's free champagne," she complains. "When we almost die, there's no hot coffee. And what is with this private jet thing? After we went through that _entire_ clusterfuck about global warming?"

"I, uh, honestly didn't think he was gonna give us one," John says, scratching the back of his neck.

"Why?" Mer says slowly.

John replays it in his mind, the wonderful satisfaction of hitting Tunney right in the face, dropping him with one punch. "Oh, no reason."

She sighs. "I don't want to know, do I?"

"You might," John allows.

"Please remind me how much I hate everyone before I come back to Earth again," Meredith says.

"I'm sure there's some reason to come back," he argues.

"They stopped letting me edit Wikipedia, you know."

John laughs. "C'mon," he says, grinning at her, nudging her with his elbow. "Let's fuck in his plane."

She snickers. "He'll never get the stains out."

They fall all over each other, laughing like idiots.

It doesn't mean they don't do it.


End file.
